Cultivating Happier Romantic Relationships

    People often wonder how they can flourish their relationships with their significant other. Some people love for the wrong reasons, which destroy the relationship they have or make them feel distant from their partners. In a relationship, the person must know the characteristics of their significant other. They should feel a deep connection with them because of who they are and how they act. People could be happier in relationships if they know their core self and of their significant other.
     People often connect and fall in love with people that express who they really are and keep it true to themselves. According to Tal-Ben Shahar’s book, the core self of a person demonstrates their character. A person can observe their behaviors to determine how the person is (114). For example, I fell in love with my boyfriend because he’s patient, caring, humorous and understanding. I could be yelling at him telling him that I'm right and he's wrong and he'll respond patiently and loving. He also gives me advice when I’m in trouble and makes me laugh when he sees that there’s something wrong. I know his characteristics based on how acts around me and other people. I am able to determine that those characteristics fit him and he is not afraid to show me who he really is. Tal-Ben Shahar also states that loving unconditionally means that no matter what happens the person will not change how they feel about their significant other because their core self won’t change. Learning about how your significant other is, cultivates a happier relationship because the person knows the reasons why they fell in love with them in the first place. Understanding one’s core self establishes a strong bond because people feel comfortable around the person since they know the person’s true self.
     People that love conditionally, which they seek money, looks, accessories, etc. in their significant other, tend to be less happy about their marriage or relationship. Looks fade, money comes and goes, but unconditional love doesn’t. Once those factors fade away, people become unhappy and leave their partner because they are no longer able to support them. When those factors are the only things that keep a relationship stable, then it won’t create a happier relationship.
    When two people fall in love because of the core self of their partner, they understand each other better. They are able to communicate better and the person would love you for who you are not because of what you have. In Shankar Vedantam’s article, “The Michigan psychologist has come up with strong evidence that happiness in relationships and marriage has less to do with your partner and more to do with yourself.” This shows that people need to know what they want in their relationships. He explains that marrying a person doesn’t automatically make you happy, it all depends about what the relationship offers. The relationship, however must offer more than just sexual intimacy.
     People often confuse their feelings about true love and lust. Tal- Ben Shahar writes, “A relationship founded primarily on lust cannot last for long” (119). There has to be something deeper than just loving the person for physical affection. In Helen Fisher’s video about the brain in love, she talks about how people are drawn closer to other people who are just like them and share similar qualities as them. She states that one of the biggest challenges is to understand one another. The person needs to know themselves first to be able to understand their significant other. If the couple begins to understand each other and know how their core self is, then trust comes into play. People tend to open up more with people they trust. Tal Ben- Shahar writes, “In order for the love and passion in a relationship to grow over time, both partners must be willing to be known, and this means gradually disclosing their innermost selves---their desires, fears, fantasies, dreams…” (120). Communication is a key to long lasting happy relationships. The couple needs to release their beliefs, thoughts and dreams with each other to strengthen the relationship.
    Accepting the people we love for who they are is one of the many things that brings a relationship closer and happier. In Helen Fisher’s other video about why we love, she says that we focus on what we love about them. She states that we can list all the negative aspects about them but at the end of the day we ignore it and love them for who they are. Knowing one’s true self can motivate us and can help us become happy. According to the humanistic psychology article, everyone is unique and wants to be loved. The article states, “The individual is neither intrinsically good or bad and is motivated towards self actualization and to seek security, love, belonging and, ultimately, truth.” People want to feel good about themselves and want to be accepted for the way they are. They want to feel connected and don't want to feel like they're constantly being looked down upon because of their insecurities or their weaknesses.
    Spending more time with your significant other can help learn more about them. People would want to express their core self because they feel secure and feel like they wouldn’t be judged. I love being able to express my ideas and thoughts and be silly around my boyfriend. He loves that part of me and I feel like he loves me for who I am. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not, or like things I don’t around him. I love how we communicate and how I’m not shy around him. Spending time with him makes our relationship grow and it helps us learn more about each other. We become open minded when we talk about religion and culture and we get to learn about each other’s beliefs. We become comfortable talking about different topics and this flourishes our relationship.
    There are many ways to cultivate a happy relationship with your significant other. Being able to express who you are deeply strengthens the relationship. By doing so, it enables people to trust their significant other and is able to increase communication between the couple. Being able to know one’s core self establishes deeper connections which lets the relationship last longer and become happier.







         Works Cited

“Association of Humanistic Psychology Practitioners: Core Beliefs” UKAHPP Core Beliefs Statement. UKAHPP. Web. 6 November 2010
Ben-Shahar, Tal. Happier. New York: McGraw- Hill Companies, 2007.
Fisher, Helen. Helen Fisher tells us why we love + cheat. TED 2006, filmed Feb. 2006; Posted Sep. 2006, video recording, TED, 2006,
Fisher, Helen. Helen Fisher studies the brain in love. TED 2008, filmed Feb. 2008; Posted July 2008, video recording, TED, 2008, http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html
Vedantam, Shankar. “Does a Ring Bring Happiness, or Vice Versa?” Washington Post. April 2003: pag. A09. Web. 6 November 2010.